From PhD to JSA

Good day! It's been a while! I suppose I haven't been feeling very sciency for a long time now. Take a seat, get comfortable and I shall tell you why...

In October 2010 I began my PhD course. From the very beginning my primary supervisor and I didn't get along. Let's call it a personality clash. My supervisor thought that the best way to motivate their students was to scare and bully them and threaten them with expulsion from the course whilst I (a new graduate, fresh from the uni bubble) thought that I would be gently handled, trained and encouraged. (In fact, with hindsight, I think the best way of handling a PhD student like me is a nice balance between the two. A little chivvying along coupled with lots of encouragement and help. A PhD is supposed to be a learning process after all.)

Gradually my enthusiasm for work waned and, after about a year of feeling belittled and bullied, I went to speak to the admin department to find out whether my supervisor could - as threatened - remove me from my course. It turned out that, as one cannot simply walk into Mordor, one supervisor cannot simply sack a PhD student. They just don't have the power.

After realising this I was very relieved, but a year of stress and worry had taken its toll on the progress of my project - and on my confidence and motivation - and I was rather behind with my work. During year two I tried hard to catch up on work and re-motivate myself. My supervisor improved a bit after a talking-to from the higher-ups and I began to think that perhaps there might be a PhD at the end of this tunnel.

Unfortunately by this time I had gradually but completely lost my interest in the subject at hand and (I didn't realise this until a little later) I was becoming very depressed and anxious. I was completely and irrationally terrified of my supervisor and would actually hide from them when I heard their footsteps in the hallway. I would avoid going onto campus as much as possible and would put off everything until it was impossible to put it off any more. Then I'd have to work around the clock to try to generate some results, making myself more unwell in the process. Thinking logically I knew that procrastination wouldn't help, and I knew that the best way of carrying on would be to put in proper regular hours, but the illogical and anxious part of my brain won every time and I repeatedly found myself holed away in my room watching box sets of Gilmore Girls, House M.D. and Naruto Shippuden and eating box sets of Mr Kipling's Bramley Apple Pies.

One day I found myself sobbing uncontrollably in the shower and began composing a letter to The Samaritans for some help (once fully dry - please do not use a laptop in the shower). I felt like I had no future. Like I was incompetent and completely unable to function in society as a regular human being. Whilst I was in the middle of my email (which never got sent) my mum called and heard from my voice the state I was in. We decided that I should go and see my doctor. After my diagnosis of depression and anxiety by my truly excellent doctor I was given medicine and referred to my university counselling service. This treatment process helped me to face some of my problems and begin to get me back to feeling a bit more able to take on the world. However the improvements weren't instant and during the months I was trying to get better, months ticked away towards my deadline and my work got more and more delayed.

During my second year review with my internal assessor I discussed my feeling that I couldn't generate the work required for a PhD thesis and enquired about changing course to an MPhil. While this seemed sensible to me it turns out this is quite an unusual request and there was no information available online or within university circles to help me make my decision. After talking with my supervisors (I had four in total) it was decided that it could be done and I just needed to complete my current experiments, analyse and conclude, and write a thesis to get that postgraduate degree. Order me my cap and gown! Job practically already done!

Errr... It wasn't quite that simple. The continuing depression, anxiety and my overall lack of motivation still persisted and even the small hillock of work required for an MPhil seemed to be the size of Everest.

Some time later I went home for a week-long visit to rest and to try to inspire myself. And indeed when I got back to my university town I was feeling inspired, but I was actually inspired to admit that I had well and truly had enough and to try to change my life for the better. I went to the student services department and met with the disability support lady (who was excellent) and spoke of my desire to leave. After taking a day or two to think it over I went back and signed a withdrawal form, cleared my desk and ran from campus as fast as I could and I haven't regretted it since.

Don't get me wrong, there were things which made me so happy and kept me going while I was going through such a hard time. I really miss my wonderful friends. I miss the wages. I miss my city - and it will be my city forever. But I do not miss how I felt about work for those two and a half long years.

Today I am claiming Jobseekers Allowance and searching the internet for minimum wage jobs which are nowhere near my field of expertise - and you might think that would be depressing in itself, but I'm so grateful to be worlds away from where I was a year ago. I'm anti-depressant free and I'm looking forward to some kind of future where I can contribute to the world instead of contributing solely to Cadbury's shareholders and UK baked goods profit margins.

Here's some advice for you. If you hate your life, if it's making you sick and you are sacrificing your mental health to try to conform to what you think you are 'supposed' to do, just stop. Stop doing what makes you ill and try to find an alternative. It might not be so easy for you to leave your job as it was for me, but start looking for something else. Update your CV and get out there. You never know how things might have changed in a year's time.

Here's some more advice. If you manage people, get some training. Not everyone is the same. One person might respond well to constant kicks up the metaphorical. However another might actually become very distressed by this method. Figure out your employees and you will get good results every time.

Now if anyone hears of any jobs going, let me know ok?